Rev. Douche Bag

If nothing else, the Schiavo circus has given the unemployed (and the unemployable) something to do. Case and point: Jesse Jackson.

The preaching and philandering Jackson came rushing to dying Schiavo’s side….13 days after her feeding tube was removed and 15 years after this whole mess started. Arriving in a stretch limo, Jackson joined the throngs of nuts, wackos and zealots outside the hospice housing Schiavo, to call for the feeding tube to be replaced. Jackson even went so far as to call black legislators to try and rekindle congressional interference in the Schiavo case.

But even one of the main congressional douche bags who led Congress’ disgusting attempt at playing God wondered what the Hell took Rev. Jackson so long. "If he could sway votes - and I'm certain he may be able to - it would have been helpful if he had done that a little earlier" said Daniel Webster, a Republican. "We're running out of time. To do it now is not as timely as a couple of weeks ago would have been."

Perhaps Jesse’s limo had a flat. Or maybe he was running from a child support lawsuit. Jesse badly needs a cause, even if it’s a white girl. But 15 years and 13 days is a little too long to wait. Get back in the limo douche bag, and take the rest of the freaks with you.

The No Good, the Sad and the Ugly

The ban on awarding members of Congress and other politicos the Douche Bag of the Day blue ribbon has officially been lifted, as a small troop of elected numb-nuts have gone out of their way to prove they are worthy of such belittling distinction.

Topping the list – Congressmen Henry Waxman and Tom Davis.

From the Island of Dr. Moreau comes the hard-on-the-eyes Henry Waxman. He’s joined by a Virginia’s grumpy Tom Davis. Together, they sit atop the Committee on GOVERNMENT Reform. That’s GOVERNMENT reform. They are tasked with looking at how to make the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT better. And how do they propose to make GOVERNMENT better. By telling Major League Baseball how to run their business.

In an attempt to get their odd looking mugs on camera, and score some sweet autographs, Waxman and Davis hauled in baseballs top dogs – Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro – for a congressional hearing on steroid use in pro baseball. The hearing was as boring as baseball itself and accomplished nothing. Waxman and Davis claim that kids will follow in the paths of their baseball idols, shooting up whatever is necessary to hit a ball out of the park. They insisted that this hearing would reach out to kids and make them aware that steroids will drive you crazy and make your pee pee small. But Waxman and Davis are the ones on drugs if they think any 12 year old is sitting at home watching congressional testimony. If they wanted an autographed baseball from Sosa, they should have just logged onto Ebay like everybody else.



And while Waxman has an ass for a face, Davis clearly has shit for brains. Continuing to put the Committee on Government Reform to no good use, Davis called for another congressional hearing on the long-term care of incapacitated adults. As their main witness, they’ve subpoenaed Terri Schiavo, a woman who’s been in a vegetative state since 1990. Terri’s husband has been trying to remove a feeding tube that keeps his wife barely alive, and the courts recently gave him the go ahead to end this sad story once and for all. But like a lot of thoughtless, nosey bastards who have never met Schiavo, Davis jumped in with a trick both brilliant and disgusting. As long as Terri is listed as a witness to a federal hearing, she can’t be harmed in any way. It’s a great strategy, but it still makes Davis a major douche bag for keeping the Government Reform Committee off-track and prolonging this sad story.

But leave it to Texas to put us back on a lighter, though equally absurd, note. State Rep. Al Edwards is quick to prove his worthiness as a future major policy maker, filing one of the most important pieces of legislation in the Texas capitol. Edwards has filed a bill to stop excess gyration among high school cheerleaders. "It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," says Edwards. His bill would prevent breaking it down and would cut funds to schools with cheerleaders who refuse to stop breaking it down. Whether the anti-breaking it down bill becomes law or not, Edwards is a douche bag clearly aiming for great things. Perhaps a spot on the Committee for Government Reform?

Eskimo Disses

Calling a congressman a douche bag is a redundant waste of time. Granted, Congress provides plenty of great douche bag material, and, had I the drive to update Douche Bag of the Day on an actual daily basis, I could write my fingers bloody. But there’s half a kajillion sites where you can read about politicians and the silly results of their affairs. There are lots of other douche bags out there that I wanted to write about. I vowed long ago that I would leave politicians alone.

Unless that guy does something really stupid.

May I introduce to you Senator Ted Stevens.

Senator Stevens, still stunned by Janet Jackson’s televised nipple flash tow-years ago has announced plans to introduce legislation calling for the same indecency standards that regulate boring public broadcasts to be applied to cable and satellite programs. That means no more Sopranos, no more Stern, no more South Park, Sex and the City, and Talk Sex with Dr. Sue Johanson.

And no Cinemax Late Nite.

The dweeby Senator is from Alaska, a place where good late night near-porn is needed the most. He states that "Cable is a much greater violator in the indecency area," and, "I think we have the same power to deal with cable as over-the-air broadcasts." What this little Eskimo forgets is that public broadcasts are free. The endless supply of Seinfeld reruns, the Wheel of Fortune and Law and Order: SUV don’t cost a thing. The boobies I see on Cinemax are bought and paid for. The cable company pimps out 270 channels of whatever I want to see for $100 a month. Sometimes it’s Shark Week. Sometimes it’s Trading Spaces. Most of the time it’s boobies.

The Senator can regulate TGIF and Must See TV all he wants. I get that for free with a clothes hanger and some tin foil. But Stevens crosses the line when he tries to regulate programming that people have paid out the ass to receive (plus the cost for cable boxes and creepy installation guys).

President Bush said that viewers should use their own judgement and if they don't want to see somehting, they should just "turn it off." So not only does Stevens want to trample all over individual freedoms, but now he's got the President sounding like the smart one. Way to go, douche bag.