The ban on awarding members of Congress and other politicos the Douche Bag of the Day blue ribbon has officially been lifted, as a small troop of elected numb-nuts have gone out of their way to prove they are worthy of such belittling distinction.
Topping the list – Congressmen Henry Waxman and Tom Davis.
From the Island of Dr. Moreau comes the hard-on-the-eyes Henry Waxman. He’s joined by a Virginia’s grumpy Tom Davis. Together, they sit atop the Committee on GOVERNMENT Reform. That’s GOVERNMENT reform. They are tasked with looking at how to make the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT better. And how do they propose to make GOVERNMENT better. By telling Major League Baseball how to run their business.
In an attempt to get their odd looking mugs on camera, and score some sweet autographs, Waxman and Davis hauled in baseballs top dogs – Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro – for a congressional hearing on steroid use in pro baseball. The hearing was as boring as baseball itself and accomplished nothing. Waxman and Davis claim that kids will follow in the paths of their baseball idols, shooting up whatever is necessary to hit a ball out of the park. They insisted that this hearing would reach out to kids and make them aware that steroids will drive you crazy and make your pee pee small. But Waxman and Davis are the ones on drugs if they think any 12 year old is sitting at home watching congressional testimony. If they wanted an autographed baseball from Sosa, they should have just logged onto Ebay like everybody else.
And while Waxman has an ass for a face, Davis clearly has shit for brains. Continuing to put the Committee on Government Reform to no good use, Davis called for another congressional hearing on the long-term care of incapacitated adults. As their main witness, they’ve subpoenaed Terri Schiavo, a woman who’s been in a vegetative state since 1990. Terri’s husband has been trying to remove a feeding tube that keeps his wife barely alive, and the courts recently gave him the go ahead to end this sad story once and for all. But like a lot of thoughtless, nosey bastards who have never met Schiavo, Davis jumped in with a trick both brilliant and disgusting. As long as Terri is listed as a witness to a federal hearing, she can’t be harmed in any way. It’s a great strategy, but it still makes Davis a major douche bag for keeping the Government Reform Committee off-track and prolonging this sad story.
But leave it to Texas to put us back on a lighter, though equally absurd, note. State Rep. Al Edwards is quick to prove his worthiness as a future major policy maker, filing one of the most important pieces of legislation in the Texas capitol. Edwards has filed a bill to stop excess gyration among high school cheerleaders. "It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," says Edwards. His bill would prevent breaking it down and would cut funds to schools with cheerleaders who refuse to stop breaking it down. Whether the anti-breaking it down bill becomes law or not, Edwards is a douche bag clearly aiming for great things. Perhaps a spot on the Committee for Government Reform?
