I don’t think anybody cares who wins the third season of American Idol. The big bet is when will Paula Abdul enter rehab.
The Lakers cheerleader turned 80’s pop singer turned hit-and-run driver is making it pretty evident that her on-screen sappiness with Idol contestants and fellow judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson is chemically fueled. In the past few years, her odd behavior was reserved for appearances on talk shows, where she slurred and slept her way through interviews with Jay Leno and MSNBC.
But lately, she’s maintained her buzz right through American Idol tapings. Three weeks ago, perhaps on a hit or two of ecstasy, she licked, kissed and drooled all over Simon during judging. A week later, it appeared that she was on a mixture of margaritas and No Doz, as she lap danced Randy and performed her old cheerleading routines during performances.
But last night’s performance showed Paula at her sloppy worst, with eyes half shut and barely an audible word uttered. Cutting off the other judges, Paula, now sounding like a mixture of valium and Guinness beer, shouted "brilliant!" after every performance, though it sounded more like, "Bilyant! Absolut…ely bilyant!"
Various spokespeople claim that Paula has had the flu for over two years now. Others claim that the eight weeks American Idol is on makes for a hectic work year. Whatever the excuse, she’s been too stoned to hear it. And worse, too stoned to hear the wanna-be Idols, claiming that off-key covers of Janis Joplin, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Stevie Wonder and Barabara Streisand were better than the originals! That alone makes Paula a straight up douche bag.
