Thank God I got this movie from a street entrepreneur vending bootlegs at my bus stop, rather than paying full price. Still, I ended up with two turkeys this year for Thanksgiving. At least I can make sandwiches with the Butterball.
Opening in sixth place, this Unisom pill of a film offers little to support Alexander's lofty nickname. There's ten minutes of the battles that supposedly made Alexander the head cheese, and 170 minutes of man-ogling that made him a fancy boy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But the gayness that was supposed to be the controversial tootsie roll at the center of this sucker was so ungay. Alexander hugs some guy named Isosceles twice. I think Isosceles strokes Alexander’s Leif Garrett hair as Alex compliments Isosceles eyes. Later, Alexander kisses Macedonia’s version of RuPaul. There's a bit more man-love at the end, but I think I saw twice as much same-sex intimacy between Shrek and Donkey than with Alexander and his toga buddies.
The rest of the movie is babble. Everybody babbles. Anthony Hopkins plays a babbling narrator. Colin Farrell babbles as both a young and slighty older Alexander, the only real difference being a sweet mullet. Angelina Jolie plays Alexander’s mother, who accessorizes with snakes and for some odd reason babbles alone in a Transylvanian accent.
There are some good points to the film. The battle scenes are pretty gory and Rosario Dawson's boobs are so much bigger than I imagined. And there are no songs by Elton John, not even in the credits.
So as a Thanksgiving after-dinner treat, everything about this movie qualifies it as a holiday douche bag. Everything, that is, except that sweet mullet.
No comments:
Post a Comment