A Confederacy of Douche Bags

Douche Bag of the Day launches with not just one, but an entire fleet of douche bags, captained by the chairman of a sinking FCC, Michael Powell.

Colin’s son tops off a ridiculous week of coverage concerning a considerably tame (if not lame) promo for Monday Night Football and one of ABC’s most popular shows, Desperate Housewives. In the promo, DH hottie Nicollette Sheridan drops towel and pounces on Philly baller Terrell Owens. Controversy ensues before Hank Williams, Jr. can slur “are you ready for some football!” While no one can provide an official number of complaints, apparently a K-Mart’s-load of real life desperate housewives (the ones who don’t have Marcia Cross’ perfectly tinted red locks or Terri Hatcher’s sweet rack) called in to complain about their husbands eyeballing Sheridan’s bare shoulder blades.

With John Kerry no longer windsurfing or killing ducks, and Scott Peterson well on his way to being pimped out by the Aryan Nation for cigs and shoelaces, the media had no choice but lube this story up and drive it home. And drive it they did. ABC apologized. The NFL apologized. The Eagles apologized. Owens kinda apologized. The coaches apologized. Coaches from other teams apologized. Indianapolis Colts’ head coach Tony Dungy called the promo racist (Owens black, Sheridan white). Pittsburg Steelers’ owner Dan Rooney called the promo “disgraceful,” apparently forgetting that his Steelers decided to go all Mike Tyson on the fifty-yard line with the Cleveland Browns just a few days earlier. Two guys beating the hell out of each during a coin toss is ok for the kids to see, but three seconds of naked backbone is a disgrace.

And then comes Powell. The chairman tossed the FCC in the mix by admonishing ABC for airing the promo. “I wonder if Walt Disney would be proud,” sobbed the sanctimonious Powell. We could always thaw him out and ask, I suppose. But as I sit here, the cable box I rent for $90 a month has lost its signal again, the radio station has played 43 minutes of continuous commercials between the same Ashlee Simpson song, my answering machine is loaded with telemarketing calls, my cell phone cost $1.00 but my bill this month is $324.10, all my emails start with “du yuo likee hot gurls wit aminals?”, and the MPAA wants to arrest me for downloading Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (I was just looking for a few pics of Lindsay Lohan, not a whole damn movie). Powell should be directing the FCC to look out for consumer interests. Instead, he’s turned the FCC into his own soapbox, to shout over the majority, levy obscene fines against shows that rank to low on his self-made scale of purity, and basically trample all over the freedom of speech.

And so…

Michael Powell has rendered the FCC useless. His personal agenda now comes before all else. He hates boobies and the F-word, two of the greatest things ever. It was just a woman’s back, Powell. No boobs. Not even any ass cleavage. Just her back. Common sense has no influence on him. Michael Powell, you are one out of control douche bag.

And not the only one this time.

Dan Rooney, your Steelers got themselves ejected from last week’s game before the first play was made. Was that not a disgrace? Where was your letter to the editor apologizing for your sluggers? Next time, keep your mouth shut douche bag.

Tony Dungy, what the hell are you talking about? Racist? According to the BET Video Code, all successful black men deserve three things – a Bentley, a bottle of Cristal and a skinny white girl. Don't mess with the code douche bag.

ABC, why would you apologize for the airing the promo? You shot it. You knew when it was going to air. If you feel the need to apologize for something, you should apologize for the American Music Awards. I guarantee more kids saw a completely wasted Anna Nicole Smith jiggle her plastic boobies than Nicollette Sheridan in a towel. Thanks for giving this skank 15 more minutes, douche bags.

And Terrell Owens, you have to be included as well. It took you forty takes to get the promo right, which means you are either really dumb or you’re just a big pervert. But that’s not why you made the list. You hooked up with quarterback Donovan McNabb for three touchdowns and killed my fantasy football team. You lost me $50 douche bag.