Hiram Sasser is a lawyer, but that’s not what makes him a douche bag. Hiram represents Delana Davies, mother of a 9-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter who attend Spurger Elementary School near Plano, TX. Each year, the little students of Spurger participate in a school spirit day called TWIRP – The Woman Is Required To Pay. The day resembles a Sadie Hawkins affair where boys and girls exchange roles for the day. And clothes.
Boys dress like girls. Girls dress like boys. Nothing new in metrosexual cliques found in larger cities around the nation (those with populations over 12). But in Delana’s neck of the woods, that’s a precursor to Boy Scout circle jerks and hot girl-on-girl slumber party action.
"It might be fun today to dress up like a little girl -- kids think it's cute and things like that. And you start playing around with it and, like drugs, you do a little here and there (and) eventually it gets you," Davies said. "You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary.”
So she called Hiram, head of the Liberty Legal Institute, a couple of lawyers prosecuting on behalf of Jesus. Loyal to God and the American dollar, Hiram jumped on the case, chastising the school and labeling TWIRP Day as a promotion for homosexuality. He claimed the that the event was a terrible experiment to grow little homosexuals. Hiram coupled years and years of legal know-how with a spritz of holy water and a little talking in tongues to bring Delana a major victory – an excused absence for her kids.
But even with an excused absence slip in hand, Hiram wasn’t finished. He continued his fight against cross-dressing four-year-olds until he persuaded the Spurger Elementary to change TWIRP Day to Camouflage Day. Homosexuality…out. Dressing like a tree to sneak up on animals and shoot them dead…in!
Hiram and Delana worried that dressing 4-year-olds like the opposite sex would confuse them. If I were a 4-year-old, the confusing part would be the story where wearing lipstick makes you hot for boys and condemns you to Hellfire for all eternity. The school had never received a complaint about the long-standing tradition until Delana and her lawyer (God’s lawyer) came forward. Hiram and Delana prove that everything really is bigger in Texas. Especially the douche bags.
No comments:
Post a Comment