It Keeps Calling Me and Calling Me

Douche Bag of the Day may quickly become Douche Bag of the Month. I now have Tivo. And it's taking over.

Tivo takes the television cable and sticks it right up your ass and feeds programs right into your soul. I’m not watching TV anymore….I’m absorbing. I threw away yesterday’s TV Guide because I had already seen everything. Everything! My wife made a crack about a movie on the Lifetime Channel called Mother May I Sleep With Danger and I blurted out "A 1996 drama starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergie about a naive female college student who falls in love with a charming pathological liar, credit card scammer and murderer. When her mother attempts to break up the relationship, the psycho boyfriend abducts the daughter and hides her in his cabin in the woods. Two hours. Repeats at 3 a.m. Saturday and all day Sunday."

WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM!!!

I get up about three times during the middle of the night to because I keep hearing the TV. My wife gets pissed and screams at me to stop stomping up and down the stairs and I yell back, "DON’T YOU HEAR THAT!?! DON’T YOU HEAR THE JEFFERSONS!?!

Tivo has a little function called Wish List, where you type in a program, an actor or a subject and it finds programs that you might like. I never typed anything in. But right after I hooked it up, I hit the Wish List and up came Knight Rider, Airline, The Price Is Right and Súper Sábado Sensacional. How did it know? CAUSE IT READ MY MIND!!!

I’m scared of Tivo. Don’t like to be at home alone with it. It’s always on. And it’s hooked up to your phone line so it can listen in on your conversations. And call me crazy, but on the same day we hooked up our Tivo…our VCR died.