Once A Douche Bag...

God bless Tivo….I almost missed this one.

Rosie O’Donnell recently starred in the latest Hallmark weeper Riding the Bus With My Sister. Of course, it’s easy to be the star when you’re also the producer, but for now, we’re bypassing the fact that the anti-everything behemoth bought her role.

The travesty was the acting.

Rosie O'Donell as a mentally handicapped woman was about as believable as Rosie O’Donell as a pole-vaulter. Rosie was able to step out of her own bipolar, obsessive-compulsive, schizophrenic, manic-depression to grace us with a performance that was…well, quite honestly…retarded.

To prep for her return, Rosie purchased a book on how to mock the handicap and parlayed every stereotype imaginable into the character. Rosie makes the handicapped out to be loud people who grin all the time and refuse to wear anything that isn’t yellow. It was an insulting performance, even for an attention-whore like Rosie.

And it’s not like there aren’t handicapped actors out there. Marlee Matlin. That kid who played Corky on Life Goes On. Jessica Simpson. Plenty of people out there that can portray the handicapped without making them look goofy. But Rosie has always been a douche bag who demands that it’s her way or no way. And since it’s her money, then she gets to play the special kid on the bus.

The good news is that 10 million more people decided to watch Desperate Housewives instead of Rosie’s self-aggrandizing. And a Hallmark movie is like the Super Bowl. You only watch it for the commercials. So hopefully, Rosie’s damage was limited to several million ladies over 80. Still, if I bore any handicap other than marriage, red hair and a flat ass, then I’d want to run her over in a mini-bus.

Air Douche Bags

Who knew that Nike was the Jimmy Choos of running shoes. So haughty is the swoosh that they’ve cancelled a contract with Sears allowing the department store to carry their brand.

Nike was never thrilled about their sneakers winding up on the blue-collar feet of Sears shoppers. But they were petrified of the true blue-collar shoppers at K-Mart getting their po, dirty hands on the latest Air Force Ones.

Sears recently purchased K-Mart and is helping the old chain get back on its feet by supplying stores with higher end merchandise from known companies like Craftsman and Kenmore. Nike has no such desire to affiliate it's brand with the unwashed masses. Though made in Korean sweatshops by children paid pennies by the day, the douche bags at Nike think their shoes are too good to be sold under a flashing blue light.

But where else but K-Mart would you expect to find shoes like this?

Runaway Douche Bag

John Mason looked to be May’s Scott Peterson.

His fiancée went out for a jog. She never came back. He called the police five hours later.

This guy had guilt written all over him.

Turns out that John Mason’s not such a bad guy. It’s the fiancée that’s a total douche bag.

Jennifer Wilbanks did go out for a jog. And she jogged straight to the bus stop, where she climbed aboard a bus and took off, leaving her husband-to-be and her family and friends without a word. Hours later, alerts went out and hundreds of volunteers began searching for the missing woman. Volunteers even crawled through sewer drains hoping to find something.

A few days later, Wilbanks turns up in New Mexico, broke and upset, claiming that she had been kidnapped. But her story quickly fell apart and she admitted that she left her groom due to the stress of the wedding and to have some time alone.

Her audacious affair was to feature 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen and over 600 guests. It was a pompous event from the start and no one should feel sorry for Wilbanks. No husband to be ever said, "You know what? I think we need more bridesmaids." Or, "I don’t think 200 people are enough for the guest list. Let’s make it 600."

No, Jennifer Wilbanks had no more stress on her than any other bride-to-be. My wife planed a beautiful wedding that came with plenty of stressful moments. But when she got stressed out, she didn’t disappear. She just added more things to the gift registry.

And if Wilbanks thinks life was stressful before, she’s in for a helluva surprise. Charges are being strongly considered and the wedding is off for now. And those volunteers who crawled through sewage aren’t going to forgive the stressed out bride anytime soon. They were quick to stand up on camera and claim that Wilbanks was as selfish and self-centered as they come.

And if this douche bag still needs a moment alone, then a little jail time would be perfect.